26 August 2011

Friday the 13th part 7-10, Freddy vs Jason and the 2009 reboot (rated R)

Friday the 13th part 7
Abandoning the ”Tommy” character we are instead introduced to a new character, a girl with telekinetic powers? She can harness her ability of telekinesis through her anger. Opening scene has her as a little girl being angry with her dead and accidently killing him. We then see her being as an adult as she, her mom and her psychiatrist make their way back to the house where the father was killed so that the psychiatrist can cure the girl of her delusions that she has some sort of powers. But in reality the shrink just want to document her powers in a secluded location so that he can get famous for his discovery. This feels so much like a Friday the 13th movie doesn’t it? More like an X-men origin story on a 100 dollar budget.

So we are in the woods again, and again we have two houses, one housing the telekinetic girl, her mom and the shrink –and another housing the arriving teenagers who are just here to increase the body count.

Jason gets loose from his watery tomb, makes it to the surface, offs the deadbeats and attacks the girl who is aided by the only likable supporting character. Both the girl and this guy fight Jason which ends with them in the cellar of the house where the girl unleashes her Magneto powers and takes  control over random objects that grab and hold Jason as she lets the furnace fire get out of control. As she and the male supporting character run out and away from  the building it explodes as if it had been hit by a fucking cruise missile. Well that’s the end of Jason, for 5 seconds.  Jason appears again pretty much unscathed on the docks showing off his Superman resilience (that goes for his clothes as well). Now the final showdown, maybe I’m being too generous with the word showdown, as both the girl and the guy gets knocked unconscious has Jason defeated by the dues ex machina of the girls dead and drowned father jumping out of the water – grabbing Jason and dragging him down into the lake.  At this point I had already spent all of my “what the fuck?”  supply so I just raised an eyebrow at this ending.

You can really tell this series start to fall apart big time when they felt the need to include a girl with supernatural powers and turn the tables on Jason being dragged into the water by someone else’s corpse at the end. Why did they make 3 more movies after this one is beyond me?  Let’s find out what awesome ideas made someone fork over more cash to make those sequels!

Friday the 13th part 8
The movie is called “Jason takes Manhattan” but 70% of the damn movie is spent on a ship with a bunch of idiot students so already this movie has lied you in the face. This movie is an all time low as NONE of the characters even pretends to have some sort of personality. They all blend together in their uselessness. The movie takes off with Jason climbing aboard the ship - killing the crew and half the students. 60 minutes into the movie the survivors, none of them memorable enough to warrant mention by name, leave the ship in a lifeboat and row their way to New York. Jason somehow manages to get there as well – I think he must have grabbed onto the lifeboat somehow because he literally appears 2 seconds after the survivors from that boat climb out on the docks. Which kind of forces the question as to why he didn’t kill them out in the ocean when they were all confined on a 2 square meter lifeboat?

What’s his name and what’s her face make it into town, Jason in tow killing some street scum challenging him and then proceeds to walking around among dumbstruck people in Terminator 1 fashion. Set on chasing down those two particular youngsters instead of trying to satisfy his bloodlust on the hundreds of easy targets he passes by. The chase sequence have our “heroes” run around in the sewers Jason  at their heels and when the director ran out of new angles to shoot in the same part of the sewer Jason is dropped into a vat of acid ( ? ) and dissolves .

This was probably the worst movie so far and most boring out of the Friday the 13th movies. They can’t possibly make it any worse.

Friday the 13th part 9
There is no logic left, if there ever was any to begin with, so we are treated with an 8th sequel instead. Jason somehow still alive and not being dissolved returns to his … home ? or something … where he chases a female living in one of the buildings with the intent to. She screams a bit and runs out on the yard, Jason chasing her, and then a bunch of FBI/SWAT guys reveal themselves to seal the trap and literally blow Jason to fucking atoms using a variety of small arms, machineguns, grenades and artillery (at least it looks  that way)? Ok…. They should have done that in the 3rd movie already. Also, why didn’t the government interfere with this zombiefied mass murderers killing spree much sooner?  Not much remains of Jason’s body, but we see that his charred (and very intact) heart is still beating… dam dam daaaam!

Cut to the coroner at the hospital tinkering with the remains of Jason’s body, now suddenly a lot more and larger pieces than we were led to believe was left of him. Jason’s heart starts to beat again and the coroner decides to bite into it as if he had not eaten for two weeks. What?

He then proceeds to put his game face on – which looks more or less as if he was constipated and kills his co-worker the armed guards outside of the room before he runs off. In a reflection we see Jason’s body , I assume we now have an evil spirit that can take over other people’s bodies and for some reason cast the reflection of the original body it had previously inhabited.

A bounty hunter (looks awfully a lot like the guy in the wheelchair in the HBO show “OZ”) says he knows how to capture and kill Jason and in return for a large bounty he sets out to do the job. Which starts off getting into trouble with the local law enforcement for being a smartass at the local diner with the sheriff. In the meantime the possessed coroner stalks and kills a few people, and then the evil spirit swaps body and continues to kill some more people. The reason for the swap was … it didn’t find the constipated facial expression of its host scary enough? I don’t know.

The bounty hunter explains that Jason is immortal and only another Voorhees can kill him. Luckily one descendant of the Voorhees family lives in town, unfortunately the evil Jason spirit wants to possess her unborn child so that he can be born anew. Or something.  In the final battle one possessed person gets killed which makes Jason appear out of the neck wound like some sort of small alien critter (nothing surprises me at this point), it scurries across the room and escapes like the chestburster in Alien. The Jason alien spawn that is no longer a spirit finds the body of a dead woman and crawls into her the opposite way of being born. This makes her change look, clothes and size off screen so that we can have our old familiar Jason jump through the floor and scare the shit out of our heroes. The final battle this time is the Voorhees descendant woman stabbing Jason and breaking the (family?) curse so that Jason finally dies. The floor opens up like in Drag me to Hell and Jason is dragged… to hell.

Alright, so Jason has been chopped with a machete, an axe, drowned, several times, blown up and finally dragged to hell. There is no way you could make a sequel. Right?

Friday the 13th part 10
Without any explanation Jason is back, chained up in some garage as some government guys arrive at the scene talking about harnessing his regenerative powers – or something. I was so baffled with the purified stupidity of it all at this point that my mind was pretty trying to grasp the entire scene. A female scientist says “no this is dangerous” and the evil corporate guy says “I’m gonna get rich – duh”  So what happens is Jason breaks free, kills everyone but the female scientist who is chased into a cryogenic chamber where she is stabbed upon which Jason accidently locks himself inside freezing both himself and his victim down. Unfortunately the movie did not end here.

Both Jason and the female scientist are found by some human research/salvage group from outer space visiting earth on some scientific mission. Apparently earth has gone to shit and now looks like the planet Dune between cuts but nothing is explained. The movie wants us to believe that no one found or cared for the cryogenic container for 400+ YEARS!! They take the cryogenic container aboard their spaceship and move into space. The spaceship is populated by people who dress as if it was the early 90’s and a female android without nipples. I only mention her lack of nipples as they have a small story arch of their own with the android and her creator trying on fake nipples… 

The idiots thaw Jason and his female victim up, no real shock reaction from the girl having been frozen for 400 years and finding out about it. Jason kills almost everyone, then is killed himself, but some magic plot device liquid spills out on his remains reanimates him again. The liquid rebuilds him through nanotechnology making him appear like some sort of body builder robot zombie who then does more killing.  Finally the survivors end up kicking his ass out into space as a misguided homage to Alien. As Jason plummets towards the nearby planet (which looks like earth BEFORE becoming the planet Dune both from space and from location shots) he starts to burn up in the atmosphere  – at the same time a couple watch the sky and have a romantic moment watching a “falling star”.  The end.

Compared to this movie, Ed Wood made Oscar material. I think it takes some kind of special idiot savant skills to make a movie this exceptionally bad. If it was intentional it wasn’t funny just horrible. If it wasn’t intentional I would apply to the Police witness protection program and get myself a new identity.

Freddy vs Jason
I could only imagine what a pile of shit this would turn out to be judging from the latest installment. I was pleasantly surprised when this movie was above average which is a HUGE improvement.
The premise of the movie is that Freddy is in hell and has been forgotten by everyone so he can’t escape hell and kill anyone. So he hatches this plan to possess Jason’s corpse and use Jason as his puppet to kill people bringing back the memories of Freddy. The idea is actually not as bad as this might sound, and it is a nice change of pace to have both a clear plot and a villain with some sort of motivation.

The characters we are introduced to won’t make us care for them but they have a LOT more backstory to them in the movie than in any previous Friday the 13th movie before. It is refreshing to have semi-normal youngster for a change. The murders stir up some old memories in the community making Freddy able to escape hell and start haunting the young people – his sole purpose for now is to scare the shit out of them so that they tell their friends so that more and more people hear about him which in the end makes him stronger. As funny twist of fate Jason proves to be too good at killing people and as soon as eye witness reports start to come in about the “real” killer Freddys powers are threatened once again.

The movie ends with a monster vs monster battle which is pretty cool. I can only assume that I feel positive about this movie because A) it was so much better than any of the other movies featuring Jason and B)  because the movie is pretty much told from Freddy’s perspective it kind of makes it more of a Terror on Elm Street movie than a Friday the 13th movie. It is also a lot more scary to be haunted by a demon able to talk in your sleep than a slow machete wielding mute zombie when you are awake. The movie also has a fun scene where the main characters realize they will actually NEED Jason in order to rid themselves of Freddy and hatch this plan to bring Jason back to Camp Crystal lake where he will stay and mind his own business (it being his home and all) and luring Freddy to follow them there to be killed by Jason.

Friday the 13th from 2009 (remake? Reboot? Whatever)
Completely redundant and pointless movie. Starting out with a bunch of young people looking for a cannabis patch in the middle of the forest so that they can harvest some and get rich. It is as stupid as that. Though I have to admit I was not sure where they would go with this one, since the first kill was just 10 minutes in and they were only 5 people with a movie running time of 1.45h. As it turns out, everyone but one girl that supposedly looks like Jason’s mother when she was younger is killed. The lookalike girl is abducted by Jason and 25 minutes in the “real” movie starts.

The “real” movie is about the brother to the abducted girl, travelling the woods aimlessly with his motorcycle and handing out posters of his missing sister to the unwashed locals. He runs into a group of young people led by a rich dick that spends all of his screen time being an ass for no particular reason. The only reason we are introduced to this group of young people is to show us even more tits, ass and gratuitous sex scenes that drag out so long that the director might as well use parts of the movie as a demo reel for his upcoming career within the porn industry. 
The idiots and simpletons die first as should be because only Jason is allowed to have an IQ below 30. Then the remaining characters are killed off which in the end leave us with the only semi likable girl (girlfriend to the rich dick) and the brother character as they are chased through the woods. By mere chance they both stumble upon Jason’s lair which is some sort of tunnel network. They find and free the brother’s sister resulting in the other female character being killed because you can only have one female survivor in a movie like this. The brother and the sister run off and fight Jason in one last battle where the brother is knocked unconscious and the sister kills Jason with a fair share of luck.

It’s hard to know just what the hell this movie is supposed to be. It is not a prequel and not a real sequel either. They also use story elements from the first and second movie merged together to explain Jason’s backstory and they use sets that are familiar from some of the other movies. They have scenes back at Camp Crystal lake and even have a “Jason shack” in the woods with the severed and mummified head of Jason’s mother resting in a small shrine. So obviously they took stuff from pretty much all previous movies and merged it together in this new one. Jason himself starts out in Friday 13th part 2 mode with a bag or something over his head and is this deformed dimwitted giant that he was in the first sequel of the series. He even finds a hockey mask to use halfway through the movie. Granted that I saw some sort of “unedited” version which could explain the overlong time wasting sex scenes and some of the moronic filler material, there are elements of this movie that are half decent. The into scene telling the story of Jason makes more sense than in any previous movie I guess. Some of the Jason murders are really graphic, especially when he slowly kills a guy with a screwdriver driven up his throat. The Jason in this movie is also more “human freak” than a invulnerable zombie, just like in the first sequel. So he has this half intelligent way of dealing with people, placing traps and trying to use one victim to lure the others towards him etc.

Unfortunately the bad stuff is so awful that it pretty much ruins the rest of the movie.
My final judgment on this series is that beside the first movie and the crossover the rest is AWFUL!

It is beyond me how the hell they could make 9 sequels, granted that each sequel brings “something” new to the table but it gets only more ridiculous and confused with each movie. You can really tell they didn’t really give a shit anymore halfway through the. The first movie was OK, and there are small bits of some of the sequels that are also OK. But this series suffers from several problems; besides being the dumbest story I have ever watched many of these movies are also dreadfully boring.

The boredom comes from not caring for any of the characters that almost always lack personality or personal goals and are just meant to be killed off. Now that would be OK if the killings were “entertaining” enough but they really aren’t. Almost all of the movies suffer from poor pacing, filler material and waste their time with really pointless scenes that have nothing to do with the “main cast”. Jason as a villain is boring and repetitive, he may work in 1 or 2 movies but no way in hell you can keep the interest up for 12 movies. The exposition we get in each movie more often than not contradicts the previous movie and the continuity of the series as a whole. And the trend is that all the sequels are a few notches worse than the previous movie in the series. Most of these movies are below “straight to video” quality. You can also tell they wanted this series to stop several times, and how they shoehorn some bullshit explanation as to why Jason returns in the sequel. After a point they don't even care about that either.

1 comment:

  1. Remove logic, add gore, add cgi!!! Great review sir!


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